How God Responses to My Side Eye...Girl, I Know What I'm Doing
Sit back, relax, this is a long one...My senior year in high school, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis - it was the worst! For those who aren’t familiar with Endometriosis, it is when tissue that normally lines the uterus grows outside of the uterus causing excruciating pain, and can lead to issues with fertility. Click here for more information about endometriosis. After the initial diagnosis, I had my first of many surgeries. My doctor prescribed birth control pills to regulate my cycles and to help manage the endometriosis. It was a welcomed reprieve from all the pain.
Fast forward: I got married and got pregnant immediately with no problem. I had a healthy pregnancy, but boy did I gain a lot of weight, but that’s another story...on June 6th CJ was born and let me tell you I was in complete awe that I had this beautiful baby boy and that I was now a mom and responsible for his life.
But CJ was...well let’s just say; his terrible 2s began at 8 months - so much so that I didn’t want anymore children, I was good on that. But something happened when he turned 3, those “terrible years” started to fade away, and I begin to think maybe he wasn’t so terrible after all - I could have another child and CJ wanted a baby sister, yeah maybe I could do it again.
However this time around getting pregnant would be much more difficult. We tried and tried, but nothing...I would eventually have another surgery; a Myomectomy (click here for more information). Hopeful that removing the fibroids and clearing the scar tissue would help yield a pregnancy...but still no dice. After a year or so I eventually stopped hoping for another baby. I remember telling CJ if I didn’t have a baby by the time I turned 35 (personal timeline) we would adopt a child so he could have his baby sister; he was fine with that too as long as he had a baby sister it didn’t matter how.
Then in February 2003, I didn’t feel well, I had a “cold” that I couldn’t seem to shake. I took all kind of cold medicines and nothing worked. I remember talking with my girlfriend Malakia (she was our circle of friends’ resident doctor, not because she was an actual doctor, but because she worked at our OBGYN office so of course she knew everything we needed to know - we would call her first before calling the actual doctor) she asked if I thought I was pregnant and I remember saying “hell no, why would I be pregnant?” She suggested I take a pregnancy test; I agreed but definitely not expecting to be. But sure enough I was PREGNANT!!! Oh my goodness, talk about elated!!! We were so happy, CJ would finally have his sibling (specifically a sister). But wait, how did I get pregnant, now? I had the myomectomy a few years prior, we hadn’t done anything different, so how did I get pregnant? In that moment is when I truly understood that I (we) was not really in control - that God was the one running things, that’s when I got it.
Beaming with excitement I went on about my daily routines, and one day while in the shower I asked God, “Why now? Why did I get pregnant now?” Now I don’t know about you, but I know the voice of God and it was so crystal clear - He said “because I know what’s best for you.” And with that I said, “Ok”. I finished showering and went on about my day.
The next week I had my scheduled doctor’s appointment, we would be checking to hear the baby’s heartbeat - yayyyy! I went to the doctor appointment alone, not really sure why but I did. The doctor comes in and we start talking about the normal pregnancy stuff; how are you feeling, have you been taking your prenatal vitamins, etc. and while we were chatting he was checking for fetal tones. I noticed after a few minutes, the doctor stopped talking to me but kept moving the stethoscope over the area where the heartbeat should be. I didn’t want to ask what was wrong, so I didn’t say anything. He finally stopped checking and said; “Ronda, I want you to go to the hospital and have them draw some blood because I can’t detect any fetal tones.” (I have awful veins and they could never draw blood from me at the office) I just looked at him and said “ok”.
With tears rolling down my face, I called my husband to tell him what happened and that I was not going to the hospital, I was coming home - I did not want to know. I drove home crying the entire time, when I got home I called my friend Arlene and began to tell her what happened at the doctor’s office. While talking to her I was getting ready to get in the bed; as soon as I sat on the bed I started bleeding. I knew at that very moment I was having a miscarriage. I remember screaming and everyone came running to my bedroom. We all started to cry - I felt so bad/helpless for CJ; he wanted a baby sister so badly. He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and said, “I’m sorry mom, maybe it’s my fault I should not have been checking you so hard last week when we were playing basketball.” Listen y’all, my then 8 year-old son thought he was the reason I was having the miscarriage because we were playing a little basketball game together in the front of the house and he called himself “checking me” while playing the game - I just couldn’t take it. It was all too much...AND THEN I REMEMBERED what God told me just a week prior in the shower; he was clear: “I know what’s best for you.” So you know what I did? I gave God back His words, I said: “Now you told me that you know what’s best for me, so I’m going to give you back your words because you can’t lie.”
We prayed and cried and made our way to the ER; again praying and crying and talking with family and friends in between who were checking on me/us. Around 1 am at the hospital, I passed the fetus. LAWD! Though we all were incredibly sad and heartbroken that there would be no baby sister for CJ, I can tell you I had a sense of peace.
Now back to the drawing board, I was determined to get pregnant - every month thereafter I thought I was pregnant and I was driving myself crazy...again. I remember it was November and I said out loud to God, “I am not doing this anymore, you betta figure this out because I can’t and I’m tired!”
But clearly God knew what’s he was doing because on August 28, 2004 (the day after our 10th wedding anniversary) Lauryn Jade Flynn was born - CJ got his baby sister...and I got my tubes tied because I was almost 35 years old and yeah that was it for me. She was beautiful, everything I ever dreamed of. God knew what he was doing - she’s a good human being, she’s compassionate, she’s super smart, she’s a true friend, she’s discerning, she’s special, she’s my baby girl.
Oh and CJ, well he calmed all the way - he doesn’t believe all the stories about his “terrible years” but they are all true. What I will say about CJ; he is for sure God’s child - God has something special for him to do. There is no one in this world like my CJ - no one except maybe my Lauryn. And he loves his baby sister so very much.
A year after having Lauryn, I had a hysterectomy. It was time, dealing with endometriosis for so many years would finally be over. After my surgery, my doctor said “there were no cancer cells found, so I stitched up your ONE badly damaged ovary...but we will have to watch it.” Wait!? What do you mean my ONE badly damaged ovary? Remember when I told you I have that myomectomy several years back and the doctor removed all those fibroids - yeah well I had one fibroid that was the size of a grapefruit that was attached to my right ovary. When they removed the grapefruit sized fibroid the right ovary went with it...So you mean to tell me that I got pregnant AND had a healthy daughter with ONE little badly damaged ovary?!?!?
